I think about her a lot. She appears in every room of my house as a piece of artwork or decor, a child's toy, a photo, an idea she gave me or an idea I need. She's everywhere all the time.
Yesterday I desperately wanted to ask her a question. I stopped, stood where I was and let the tears come. That overwhelming feeling hit, the feeling of NEVER getting to talk to her again NEVER having my questions answered, NEVER getting to show her how amazing my kids are, NEVER NEVER NEVER again.
I was alone... my preferred place to cry is anywhere alone but I also felt alone like part of my identity was missing, she's missing.. she's part of me.
My question yesterday seems silly today, I wanted to ask how she cooked the chicken for the amazing salad she made me after the twins were born. I'm pretty sure she used my made up recipe for the chicken part, where you marinate the chicken in italian dressing then pan fry it and add water after it is browned... simple and delicious but her's tasted way better than mine. Maybe I was just hungry, I WAS breastfeeding newborn twins... maybe it's because mom made it. Anyway... so many questions I didn't know to ask or couldn't ask because I hadn't thought of them yet. Everyone said "ask your mom all the questions you want answers to"... how can you do that? How can you know what you want to ask until it pops in your head? How can you guess at what you want to know or will need....
I have the rest of my life to unravel from this need. I know the ache will fade. It already has a tiny bit which is a welcomed relief for sure.
Losing my mom triggered something, it has me planning for my own absence in my children's life. A bit morbid I suppose but as a mom, I plan for the worst and hope for the best. I now feel like making/completing my kiddos baby books and printing out photos and hand writing all their amazing and neat qualities as the most important thing I can do for them second to LOTS AND LOTS OF QUALITY TIME TOGETHER. This is part of my 2012 BALANCE plan. I really hope I can do it, balance life with quality since quantities are limited and not guaranteed.
Here is a picture from one of four Christmases. This is my mother-in-laws on Christmas Eve.
OK, now for the PS. TWO inspirational blogger/photographers to share with you.
Do you all read Madeline Bea's Blog? One of my favorites!!!! I have her blog button on the side of my blog, that's how much I love her. She did a post here talking about a spending freeze and some free things you can do as activities. Here is the post to several links of free fun: http://madelinebea.com/blog/2011/12/freezing-assets-january/. I am doing the Strathmore Art Classes. The great thing about these classes in addition to being free... they are open until August! SO, if you are busy and can't participate weekly, you can do it once a month!! There are printable pdf files and supply lists, watch videos etc. etc. So far it is really neat! There is also a foodie course I may look into. I have to keep in mind... balance.
Also, I received an award, a blogging award! For a long time, I showcased my awards in a slideshow at the bottom of my blog but then I wanted to simplify and took it down, maybe I should put it back up and add this too. Today I want to showcase Naomi from Poetic Aperture. She said some very nice words about me over at her place when she gave me The Versatile Blogger Award {Versatile: flexible, accomplished, multifaceted, talented, ingenuous} so please go and check her out! I met her in one of my online photography classes. There are amazing people out there if you just allow yourself to be open to new ideas, opportunities and of course fun! Be sure and read Naomi's "Bucket List" or "Life List"... she has some neat ideas and she takes pretty photos!
Cheers~Ivy
1 shared thoughts:
Thank you for the kind words, my dear. :)
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